Today I had an epiphany that I wanted to share. Those of you who spent the early months of Drake’s life with me will doubtless not be surprised by this blog at all…the rest of you? We’ll see.

Children are a-holes. They really are. First they are little eggs that grow and expand and develop…and during that development what do they do? They eat their mothers. Seriously. We don’t take prenatal vitamins for the baby. We take them to replenish what the baby takes! That bad memory you may have after your baby is born, what do you think caused it? The parasite you birthed. All that vomiting, constipation, heartburn, acne… the list goes on. All gifts from your dear sweet baby.

Then the baby is born and what do you know? Love at first sight–for the parent. Hormones that work to control you to keep that little baby safe. Thank goodness for those hormones!!! If not for them things would definitely not go well.

I was thinking today about all the teenagers I knew who said they wanted a baby so that someone would love them unconditionally. Well you know what? That’s not a baby, that’s a dog. Babies love conditionally. They want food, clean diapers, snuggles, to bite your nipple and scratch inside your nose, pinch you, and head butt you…if you choose not to give those things, I guarantee you won’t like the response. Screams, tears, epic fits! And this from a teeny tiny baby. In our case, I think the love was one-sided for at least 6 months. Then occasionally I would get a smile–and suddenly those hormones would kick in and woohoo!!! I could totally do this all day. Thank goodness for those hormones…

Now, after one year of screaming, pinching, biting, kicking, sleepless nights, and bloody noses, the payoff is finally coming. Hugs and kisses have arrived! And what do they do? Honestly, they make up for all the headaches, vomiting, constipation, acne, stitches, etc… How on earth can hugs accomplish all that?

It’s gotta be the hormones…

So, if you want unconditional love, get a dog. If you want months of abuse and agony, interspersed with moments of pure joy and followed by a lifetime of worry, go with a baby.

No regrets here. It’s gotta be the hormones…